Down

You ever soul searched to find out that the soul you thought you would find is nothing but a saddened image of what you wish you could have done differnt. Now if none of this makes sense drink alot of booze so you are in the mindset I am in now. Now the rant!! There is someone who a care for more than I could have ever realized when I left her around 10 years ago. Now I think that she needs me and ofcourse were am I? NO WHERE NEAR WHERE I SHOULD BE!!!!!!!! Nothing pisses me off more than feeling helpless. I know she is crying out there with little to no emotional support and that angers me even more. All I want to do is what I should have done years ago... I remember it like it was yesterday, she fell off her bike, and tring to make her strong I told her to get up, but all she wanted, all she needed was me to pick her up, brush away the tears hold her tight and tell her it was ok. Now my Karma sets in. It is not a physical karma but an emotional one, like hers. Saddness racks my body, I can't hold back the tears half the time, nor do I care too. I deserve the pain in my heart, hell I coused it. Like my father did me and her father did her I left and never really returned. I'm trying to reach back into her and her brothers life, but can I even be apart of it? Can I heal the past? Can I still be the big brother my little sister needs me to be now? The answers to these questions are not with in my teary sight right now. The only thing that I can say now is I feel so low, so utterly low and maroose. The pain in my heart right now is hell the only thing keeping me writing is the need to get the pain out, But I cant go on so I'll end now.